I don’t know how many people really do that. I mean reflect oneself and thinking about own behavior, social rules, what is intuitive and what is rational, thinking different in patterns, words or pictures, or talking at personal levels or factual levels. Most people don’t have to think about this, they just do and they seem to perform well most of the time. Given a broad social environment and holding environment, feedback is sufficient to adapt the own behavior. And what about me? I stand outside and look at the people socialising and think it’s a foreign language to learn instead of dropping one brick after another.
Main problem now is… I’m aware of being different. I know that I do a lot of things different. I behave different. I do not manipulate or form strategic alliances, which I should do. I know very much now and I’m certainly not in the mood of stalling in this position, looking even for excuses. Moving forward is possible to some degree without the environment. Now I’m stalling again because there is a gaping abyss between me and the others. I’m willing to jump but the people on the other side barely move towards my direction. They just walk alongside the gap and behave as if my parallel reality is not existing. I wave my hands and try to become noticeable: „here I am“, without the intention to move so bluntly forward that it really pushs them to react. I’d like to make them curious about the change I cycled through in the past months but I don’t want them to think I look for excuses. I could jump and behave like them which appears artifical because it is artificial.
I would be even satisfied if they just turn around, notice there is a gap and start thinking about it. Restarting a relationship is not a one-way-ticket. I do everything I can although it is exhaustive from time to time. The opposite side could notice that and appreciate these effords, and lower their expectations that I just have to catch up with them to be like them. I won’t. I prefer to be myself which is necessary to play out my strengths. I’m rather inclined to step back before I fall into an abyss, and people are not even aware of its existence.