Discovering myself

Since I know there is much more about this additional X-chromosome than testosterone deficit, three months are gone and now I see myself with different eyes.

That new episode of life startet with a scientific paper which I luckily received in full text form. I always had a suspicion being different. I also could not recognize myself in many symptoms of  Klinefelter’s diagnosis. However, I had trouble putting words to it. Of course, I noticed all over the years not getting ahead. Communication has often been doomed to failure. Difficulties arose when I expressed feelings, especially expressing them in a way to be understood. Reluctance to be interested in what peers do and talk about. I also think about assets going beyond the line which would be typical for peers but occasionally became obsessive.

I always occupied myself in an excessive way. Hours and hours, several days. Social contacts became secondary. Better writing another case study to a scientific event, putting another paper on the website. I loved exhaustively researching, spending much time although it was not demanded by my professors during studies. I always did much more for topics I was interested in. I came out of my shell and contacted even external teachers because I liked writing, I enjoyed realizing my english language knowledge.

Feedback encouraged me to continue. It’s the main reason I don’t have much respect to write e-mails to psychologists, physicians and geneticists, just by chance, as most of them will answer.
I realized my strengths by creating two wonderful websites providing a compendium of my special interest which is divided in several subinterests. I could fill books with it.

That passion of writing and irrepressible urge to inform is an important part of myself I cannot exclude. It is not what is commonly accepted for Klinefelter’s syndrome: „Learning difficulties, dyslexia, …“ In contrast, I read since I think and I write since I read. If I were able to set up dialogues, I would have become a professional writer. Sadly I could never imagine how a typical dialogue looks like as I was not able to take the other one’s perspective. Theory of mind – again and again putting a spoke in my wheel. Anyway, my passion to write did not lessen, it rather shifted from fiction to describing everyday life which is exciting enough instead of creating fictional stories.

The result of my IQ test in childhood suggested skills in natural science and weakness in language. In fact, my grades revealed the opposite. My processing time in nature science was too slow to keep up with peers, to solve problems – at least I suppose it now. In contrast, I felt comfortable with languages. I was the only man choosing french (instead of english) for intensive course. Speech has been much more difficult than writing and reading. Logical sentences. I was good in vocabulary. I also taught myself Latin, I read in an old (1970) dictionary for foreign words at home. I learn dialects quite fast, I understand them, I become familiar with the figures of speech and special vocabulary.

I have lots of fun with it and I found a text which took the words right of my mouth: It has been so relieving just to be understood. I have written so much about it without knowing why. The ability to learn languages rapidly but also the necessity to imite other people. I tend to do it too often, though, to send in the frequency of the counterpart instead in my own one.

Each week I am able to put another piece of the puzzle together, another mystery in childhood is illuminated. I cannot fade out days with anger due to the lack of skills to deal with other people, irrespective of a bunch of total strangers  releasing a flight instinct (save being drunk enough, like during a concert) or people being close to me. So it is not necessarily sufficient to know the cause for some behaviour. To know the reason is not the solution at the same time. It is not easy to outthink your mind. Rational thinking is freezing.

You do it because you have something and it leads… ok, that’s a statement, so what? I try to get rid of cursing about what still is not working, but rather try to distract me. I want clarity. My thoughts are free. My environment is inclined to say „you go completely overboard for the idea of any association of Klinefelter’s syndrome with autism!“ For me, however, it’s a feeling like a childs curiousity during first moon landing. Curious about what happens actually and to make a question time out of it.

My question time grows into a period of three months. Since my first contact with the fundamentals of Klinefelter’s and beyond the known facts, my research shed light into the darkness, revealed the basics of something I did not expect. Despite the fact it confirmed a gut feeling much more has been released lying under the surface for a very long time.

As usual I am rational in-depth, despite acting very touchy-feely to the environment. And I’m asking myself: Why? What are the effects of this lack of testosterone in my body, was does it mean to have an additional X chromosome?`Why is my amygdala smaller than with men having typical 46, XY karyotype? How does this bunch of hormones, genes and brain activity interact?

While I’m reading mainly scientific papers published in the recent couple of years, I’m still at the beginning. Suddently, my interest is as big as with my first special interest influencing my life for about 23 years.

For which reason should I stop this search? I act rationally, I know what I do NOT have. I also suppose many XXY men exhibit atypical autism traits if classified with autism spectrum disorder at all. Less manierisms, less stimming, less routines. However, I do NOT know that! As I contacted other XXY men in the first place, I did not know anything about behavorial issues! Autism was something special known from the unluckily stereotyping film Rain Man. So I did not recognize or payed attention to their behaviour. I was not even able to recognize myself in their biography.

In any case, dealing excessively with my life, my being and my underlying genes is a strong feeling of relief, like a whole rock breaking. Every light-bulb moment encourages my self-conciousness to take the bulls by the horns, stepping forward into the public. What could hurt me know? I know why, I work actively against my weaknesses. I DO something.  What else does someone want to blame me for?

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